Trump Vows to Bring Back White Castle

PERRYSBURG, OH—Promising to restore economic vitality and dignity to the struggling Rust Belt municipality, President Trump made a solemn promise Monday to bring back the town of Perrysburg, OH’s shuttered White Castle franchise. “White Castle was the lifeblood of this community, but unfortunately, during a previous presidential administration, it was closed down,” said Trump, describing the hardships faced by local families, many of whom patronized the White Castle for generations but can no longer purchase a 30-slider Crave Case without driving more than two hours round-trip to reach the chain’s Ann Arbor, MI location. “This town was built on jalapeño sliders, onion rings, and mozzarella cheese sticks, but now it’s getting screwed over by foreign companies like Taco Bell and Panda Express. Frankly, it’s a disgrace, and I’m in talks with the regional franchise manager to reopen this restaurant and make sure Ohioans have access to all the best American fast foods. Nobody should be forced to sell their home and uproot their family just to move to a town with a White Castle.” When asked about the danger to fast food jobs posed by automated burger-flipping machines, the president responded that he hasn’t looked into it yet but knows a lot about technology and believes the threat is nonexistent.